I don't come here very often, so it always takes me some time to read everyone's comments when I come back here to post. In fact, I was almost at the point of taking this blog down as I haven't been feeling a need to really write much. It's not that I'm not feeling the love from all of you! And yes, the hate....or maybe that's being too harsh--Maybe I should call them judgments, yes. Wow, are some of you judgmental! But I love you for stopping by and commenting. I really do!
I have to tell you that I used to be one of those judgmental people. You see, I was married once. I was married a long time, too. I never cheated on my spouse. I used to say that I'd never do that! I have two beautiful children as a result of that marriage and I wouldn't change a thing about that past, even if I could. While I wasn't happy for most of it, there was a purpose in me going through it. My ex may have cheated on me--he always said that he didn't, but many people later told me he did. Then again, what did they know, really, if they weren't with him? Actually, I don't care about that. I used to care about that, but I fell out of love with my ex-husband before my marriage ended--it was me who wanted out of my marriage because I was unhappy. Period.
If he cheated, he was probably unhappy, too. Even if he didn't cheat, it doesn't matter now. It probably never really mattered then either. What I'm trying to say is that you cannot control the feelings or the actions of another person. And when you base your happiness on what another person says or how they behave, then you are only setting yourself up for disappointment and unhappiness. You can be happy as happiness is a choice YOU and only YOU make. Period.
I am much happier now. I really am. I'm happy because I choose to be. Yes, I have cried over this relationship with my MM. Yes, there have been a river of tears when I start to feel sorry for myself or when I would get upset over his actions or inactions. But those days are fewer and farther in between now--especially when I realized that I have a choice. I have many choices in this situation. Right now, I just enjoy my time with him. We have so much fun together. I love to laugh and he makes me laugh. And I enjoy my freedom alone from him, too. So maybe this relationship is convenient for me right now. All I know is that there is great love and it feels good.
I just am in a new place again. I'm more observant, watching this unfold as if I were an anthropologist, studying the love ways of some lost tribe out there. That's how I feel sometimes, really! It makes me laugh. I love my MM very much but I am not spending days and nights over tears because we aren't together. I'm also not blaming myself for his involvement with me. I'm just not about blame. Who am I to blame and who are you to blame me? Honestly, why do we feel a need to judge people so harshly? It's a funny human condition: one that I have been very conscious about changing within me.
Reading through your comments has been very interesting for me. Occasionally, I read that my posts have helped someone, and I'm glad for that. So even though I decided to renew the domain name for another year, I don't know how much I'll be posting. It all depends upon my mood and when I remember I have this blog and go back to check it.
I'm a huge fan of the law of attraction and particularly of the works of Abraham-Hicks. In their newest book, The Vortex, there's a lot of talk about relationships. (You can find it in my Amazon store under the Law of Attraction category.) I know it will be controversial for many, but I believe I've found my peace with this situation for now because I know that love and joy are the closest we are to the Vortex, to our Source, to our God, to being who we truly are.
And I feel so good with this MM of mine, so I'm happy right where I am right now.
Until next time,
The Other Woman
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, November 27, 2009
Why Do You Read My Blog?
I am curious as to why people read this blog. I just read the recent comments from people who choose to remain anonymous. They are quite judgmental, but that's nothing new. That's their issue, really. I know why I write here and it's for several reasons.
Let me say first that I don't care what people think but I do find the comments that people make useful. While so far no one has really written anything I haven't yet thought about myself, I do like the fact that people are checking in and reading and take the time to comment. I'm not sure why some come here to read, so if you'd care to comment about that, I think it would be interesting. Could it be that you are fearful that your spouse may be cheating? Or perhaps you've had thoughts of cheating that you haven't yet acted on? Or maybe you were a victim of infidelity or perhaps you are in a similar situation as me?
I write because it's therapeutic for me. I write to inform, to educate, to show the journey of pain and struggle that being in a relationship like this brings, to educate wives, husbands, lovers--anyone contemplating an affair or in one or getting over one. I write with the hopes that others who've gone through what I'm going through could give me some infinite wisdom that makes this all go away. I write to show my journey: to show that I am a real person with feelings. And yes, I have been growing stronger but I have not yet left this man. Does that make me a monster? A loser? Weak? Perhaps to many of you, it does. I know that I am human and as a human being, I am not perfect. My relationship with my MM is real. That's why it's so hard now to let it go. Maybe I am afraid but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, really. I don't really know. But I do know that I don't write to make you feel sorry for me, to pity me or even condone my actions....but I will continue to document because in my gut I know that this may be helping someone as much as it helps me.
I am grateful for all the comments: even when they are not so positive. I do appreciate them, for even with the most negative of comments, I grow stronger in knowing that I am a good person who tries to treat others as she wishes to be treated. I say that not in judgment, but as an affirmation of my soul that tries to live each day treating others as I wish to be treated. I do my best.
One of the things that I've learned from studying the law of attraction is that we have to embrace the contrast: be grateful for the diversity, the things that we don't want, the judgments of others, the negative situations in our lives..as it helps us launch strong passions of desire and intention to be and have what we want in life. And when we appreciate that, it's much easier to hear, to read or to experience the negative when it happens: to the point that we become the "observer" of it instead of internalizing it.
That's kind of where I'm at with my MM. I'm an "observer" at times right now. (Not all the time, but a lot of the time.) That's actually a positive step, if you ask me. It's much better than I used to be: all caught up in tears and frustration when he didn't do, call or say something I expected. In fact, I know that one's happiness doesn't and cannot depend on another: that we are the controllers of our own happiness. It lies within us. And when we make the other person and his/her actions the object of our attention to the point where our happiness depends upon them, they always disappoint. So it looks like I've disappointed some of you! Don't worry: just be happy. If it feels good to you, be happy you're not me!
So thank you for reading my blog and for your comments. I do appreciate you. And with that, have a great rest of the Thanksgiving Day weekend!
Until next time,
The Other Woman
Let me say first that I don't care what people think but I do find the comments that people make useful. While so far no one has really written anything I haven't yet thought about myself, I do like the fact that people are checking in and reading and take the time to comment. I'm not sure why some come here to read, so if you'd care to comment about that, I think it would be interesting. Could it be that you are fearful that your spouse may be cheating? Or perhaps you've had thoughts of cheating that you haven't yet acted on? Or maybe you were a victim of infidelity or perhaps you are in a similar situation as me?
I write because it's therapeutic for me. I write to inform, to educate, to show the journey of pain and struggle that being in a relationship like this brings, to educate wives, husbands, lovers--anyone contemplating an affair or in one or getting over one. I write with the hopes that others who've gone through what I'm going through could give me some infinite wisdom that makes this all go away. I write to show my journey: to show that I am a real person with feelings. And yes, I have been growing stronger but I have not yet left this man. Does that make me a monster? A loser? Weak? Perhaps to many of you, it does. I know that I am human and as a human being, I am not perfect. My relationship with my MM is real. That's why it's so hard now to let it go. Maybe I am afraid but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, really. I don't really know. But I do know that I don't write to make you feel sorry for me, to pity me or even condone my actions....but I will continue to document because in my gut I know that this may be helping someone as much as it helps me.
I am grateful for all the comments: even when they are not so positive. I do appreciate them, for even with the most negative of comments, I grow stronger in knowing that I am a good person who tries to treat others as she wishes to be treated. I say that not in judgment, but as an affirmation of my soul that tries to live each day treating others as I wish to be treated. I do my best.
One of the things that I've learned from studying the law of attraction is that we have to embrace the contrast: be grateful for the diversity, the things that we don't want, the judgments of others, the negative situations in our lives..as it helps us launch strong passions of desire and intention to be and have what we want in life. And when we appreciate that, it's much easier to hear, to read or to experience the negative when it happens: to the point that we become the "observer" of it instead of internalizing it.
That's kind of where I'm at with my MM. I'm an "observer" at times right now. (Not all the time, but a lot of the time.) That's actually a positive step, if you ask me. It's much better than I used to be: all caught up in tears and frustration when he didn't do, call or say something I expected. In fact, I know that one's happiness doesn't and cannot depend on another: that we are the controllers of our own happiness. It lies within us. And when we make the other person and his/her actions the object of our attention to the point where our happiness depends upon them, they always disappoint. So it looks like I've disappointed some of you! Don't worry: just be happy. If it feels good to you, be happy you're not me!
So thank you for reading my blog and for your comments. I do appreciate you. And with that, have a great rest of the Thanksgiving Day weekend!
Until next time,
The Other Woman
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Sex Coach Talks About Infidelity on TV
I found this video on YouTube and thought the discussion was interesting. The Sex Coach is a woman by the name of Jacqueline Hellyer. I've spent years trying to psychoanalyze my relationship with my MM. I'd be interested in your thoughts about this video.
You'll also notice that I am now on Twitter. Feel free to follow me and engage in discussions there. I'm the_other_woman on Twitter. (Turns out there were many of us there already so I had to choose a variation in the name!)
Watch the video HERE
You'll also notice that I am now on Twitter. Feel free to follow me and engage in discussions there. I'm the_other_woman on Twitter. (Turns out there were many of us there already so I had to choose a variation in the name!)
Watch the video HERE
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Secrets, Risks and Advice
I know I don't post here regularly. One of the reasons is that I have a very busy life but that's not really the main reason.
The real reason is that, while I've opened myself up anonymously here on the site to share my feelings, my life, and my journey in an attempt to not only help myself but others, I also have set myself up for the advice that comes along with posting about this topic openly. And while I really don't care what other people think, I do care about how I feel in the process. Reading your comments and feeling empowered by my own postings has been a great boost for me. My last post was in September and it looked like I was well on my way out of this relationship.
But the reality is that I'm still in it. In fact, after working on the list of what I want in a man, my MM suddenly became more attentive and loving. So, yes, I'm still in it.... Sort of. I say that it's "sort of" because I have been intimate with my MM but yet feel this empowerment by the way I react to situations between us that previously would have left me emotionally devastated for a short time: or at least worried and analyzing things to death. And something else did happen recently which has caused me to see him in a totally new light. I will write openly here about that later: after we have had a chance to truly discuss it.
So here I am. Living this life of secrets, taking risks by posting it out here in its emotional rawness and subjecting myself to whatever advice that comes with it. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself that I didn't actually let him go. But I also know that I have to forgive myself and keep moving forward. If I concentrate on my mistakes, I will conjour up more mistakes! (Law of attraction in action, if you will).
In reading the comments from my last post, I see that someone asked how to advise their friend who had just gotten involved with a MM. My advice is that you really cannot tell your friend what to do or how to proceed. If she asks you, you can speak from what you THINK you would do (but I bet it might be different if you found yourself in this situation)!
I honestly feel that women get involved with a MM with the idea that their situation will not be like this for very long. Otherwise, they wouldn't do it. They may justify things because they feel they can leave at any time (or) perhaps they are believing their MM when he says that his marriage is terrible, the kids need him, etc. and he is leaving very soon. And while the advice for women who are involved with a MM is usually "Run, run, run--as fast as you can!" -- the reality is that most of us women feel we're handling it or that we can "run" whenever we want. Then time passes, feelings deepen and we're still with our MM.
So don't offer any advice to a friend involved with a MM (unless she specifically asks you): she is going to do whatever she will do anyway. Be supportive of her as your friend and tell her that you'll be there for her should she need you and then let it go. And when she comes to you with tears about how long it's taking or the lack of trust she's feeling in her MM or with complaints of how little time her MM has for her, don't tell her "I told you so," but just listen and be supportive. After all, loving your friend will be the best thing you can do for not only her but for you as well. Uplift her the best you can, empower her with support and love, and she will get stronger. Your friendship will grow as a result, too!
I have two really good friends in all of this that I can talk to. Both know my MM. One of them always listens with an open heart and with lots of understanding. She asks questions that help me figure out what I want and I really appreciate her support. The other friend is a bit more opinionated when it comes to my MM, but never ever judgmental about me. She always supports me and empowers me with her humor while she is concerned about my overall well-being. I know she holds back on her opinion about my MM a lot, too--for my sake. She listens and comments. I appreciate both of them who offer different ways of loving me and supporting me.
So here I sit again. Still involved...sort of...with another chapter to this story to tell you, but for now, it remains written only in draft form. I will post it after I've had a chance to talk to my MM.
The real reason is that, while I've opened myself up anonymously here on the site to share my feelings, my life, and my journey in an attempt to not only help myself but others, I also have set myself up for the advice that comes along with posting about this topic openly. And while I really don't care what other people think, I do care about how I feel in the process. Reading your comments and feeling empowered by my own postings has been a great boost for me. My last post was in September and it looked like I was well on my way out of this relationship.
But the reality is that I'm still in it. In fact, after working on the list of what I want in a man, my MM suddenly became more attentive and loving. So, yes, I'm still in it.... Sort of. I say that it's "sort of" because I have been intimate with my MM but yet feel this empowerment by the way I react to situations between us that previously would have left me emotionally devastated for a short time: or at least worried and analyzing things to death. And something else did happen recently which has caused me to see him in a totally new light. I will write openly here about that later: after we have had a chance to truly discuss it.
So here I am. Living this life of secrets, taking risks by posting it out here in its emotional rawness and subjecting myself to whatever advice that comes with it. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself that I didn't actually let him go. But I also know that I have to forgive myself and keep moving forward. If I concentrate on my mistakes, I will conjour up more mistakes! (Law of attraction in action, if you will).
In reading the comments from my last post, I see that someone asked how to advise their friend who had just gotten involved with a MM. My advice is that you really cannot tell your friend what to do or how to proceed. If she asks you, you can speak from what you THINK you would do (but I bet it might be different if you found yourself in this situation)!
I honestly feel that women get involved with a MM with the idea that their situation will not be like this for very long. Otherwise, they wouldn't do it. They may justify things because they feel they can leave at any time (or) perhaps they are believing their MM when he says that his marriage is terrible, the kids need him, etc. and he is leaving very soon. And while the advice for women who are involved with a MM is usually "Run, run, run--as fast as you can!" -- the reality is that most of us women feel we're handling it or that we can "run" whenever we want. Then time passes, feelings deepen and we're still with our MM.
So don't offer any advice to a friend involved with a MM (unless she specifically asks you): she is going to do whatever she will do anyway. Be supportive of her as your friend and tell her that you'll be there for her should she need you and then let it go. And when she comes to you with tears about how long it's taking or the lack of trust she's feeling in her MM or with complaints of how little time her MM has for her, don't tell her "I told you so," but just listen and be supportive. After all, loving your friend will be the best thing you can do for not only her but for you as well. Uplift her the best you can, empower her with support and love, and she will get stronger. Your friendship will grow as a result, too!
I have two really good friends in all of this that I can talk to. Both know my MM. One of them always listens with an open heart and with lots of understanding. She asks questions that help me figure out what I want and I really appreciate her support. The other friend is a bit more opinionated when it comes to my MM, but never ever judgmental about me. She always supports me and empowers me with her humor while she is concerned about my overall well-being. I know she holds back on her opinion about my MM a lot, too--for my sake. She listens and comments. I appreciate both of them who offer different ways of loving me and supporting me.
So here I sit again. Still involved...sort of...with another chapter to this story to tell you, but for now, it remains written only in draft form. I will post it after I've had a chance to talk to my MM.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I Am In A Different Place
It's been awhile (again) since I've checked this blog and written here. A lot has happened within me since my last post. I am in a different place now emotionally than I've ever been in this relationship. I have been away a lot and my MM and I have not seen each other much over the last two months.
I saw him today. I feel so different than before. I am definitely in a different place emotionally than all those years before. It just wasn't the same seeing him this time. I was excited to see him but it wasn't the same. After he left, I felt somewhat "used" today. I know that wasn't his intention but I felt it and that is not good for me. Period. That doesn't make me happy.
One thing I've learned is that happiness is a choice in life: that if we place our ability to be happy on the behavior of another person, that they will always disappoint. We are not perfect human beings. So we each must be responsible for our own happiness, our choices, our behavior, our thoughts, and our feelings. I can choose to sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to do something that makes me feel a little better. I'm choosing the latter.
I've done a lot of soul-searching over the past few months. The separation from my MM has been good for me. I happen to read a lot and have been into personal development literature for some years now. I love making improvements in my outlook on life and growing personally and spiritually in the process. I am particularly fascinated by material on the law of attraction.
So when our "reunion" today felt somewhat unsatisfying to me, I realized quite quickly that I had the power and control to improve my situation. So I sat down and did a little exercise on paper that helped me feel better. Since I know that it doesn't serve me to rely on his behavior to make me happy, I am working on turning my feelings around to a place where I can feel better about what happened today (and what didn't happen) and yet still take care of me. I have come a long way, I think, as I am definitely in a different place emotionally.
I've decided that it's helpful for me to focus on what I want (instead of on what I don't want). Because when you understand the law of attraction, you know that you get what you think (and feel) about: even if it's what you don't want. So I'm focusing on what I want.
And I know what I want in a man. I want someone who honors me, someone who respects me, someone who cherishes me... someone who will be playful with me, someone to have fun with, someone that laughs with me and someone who adores me.... someone I can trust and someone who trusts me...someone who is passionate about life and about sharing it with me...someone who gives me the freedom to be who I truly am and who I can freely allow to be who he truly is...someone who is secure in his feelings that he can talk to me about anything...and I to him...someone who loves life...and particularly life with me! I want a man who feels secure in his feelings around me and who shares his life with me, yet allows me the freedom to be me. I want a friend, a confidant, a lover, and mutual partner in life as we joyously move through life loving one another. I want someone who is honest and sincere and who is loves going out with me...someone who will grow with me...someone who loves to travel and with whom I can travel to exciting places....someone who has a positive outlook on life that just the very sight of him lights up a room....someone who loves me and who loves me loving him.
So is my MM that someone? Not currently, no. So this relationship isn't currently working for me like this. I'm not going to blame or point fingers. In fact, I can appreciate my MM and our love, but this is about taking care of me. If I am not happy, I know in my soul that I need to take action and let this relationship go as it now is. So today, this Saturday, September 12, 2009, I am moving on.
It may not be easy but right now I'm feeling ok: almost empowered, now that I've written out my list of what I want. I know I will be ok.
Reading all your comments here since my last post has been interesting and insightful. Thank you for commenting. I do appreciate the time you're taking to pass by here. And I will continue to post as I move along in this journey. I intend to be easy about my journey: to take care of me, to do things that honor me and make me feel good...and if I get sad or tempted to see my MM again, I will not beat myself up about it....I will learn from what comes and keep focusing on my list of what I want.
As for that man that I want, he will show up. I know there are many out there but I haven't been giving anyone a chance. So I'm going to work on me and then the doors will open. But I also know that I don't need a man to make me happy: I can do that all by myself!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Time Passes & My Anger Swells
I thought at the time of my last post that I wouldn't need to be writing here any longer...as I would no longer be "TOW." That is sadly not the case.
It has been 3 months since I lasted posted here. I can't believe it's been that long. I went back and saw that several people had commented on my posts so I now approved them all for posting--sorry for the delay! (I think I'll just change my settings so that I don't have to approve them in the future.)
Funny thing: 3 months go by but they are nothing in terms of the time I've been with my MM. I read others' comments about "wasting my time," and how I have low self-esteem issues: that the reason people stay in these situations is because of their low self-worth. That may be. I don't consider myself to be less than others; I know that I am good enough; that I deserve love; that I am worthy....I know all of this intellectually. Perhaps it's my heart and soul that don't believe it?
I do know that I have total control and can just decide to go. Yet I am here. I know that I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not afraid of being alone, so it's not that. I don't feel that I have to have a man on my arm to be worthy.
I've wondered if it's just easier for me to continue with this relationship because I don't have to be 100% "on" with my MM as he isn't here with me all the time. Perhaps I'm afraid of what a real relationship would be like: one where I'm adored, respected and honored and where I'd do the same to him; a relationship where I am free to be me; one where I'd be expected to give of myself wholly and he to me; one where I am truly intimately involved in the day-to-day "stuff" that comes with being in a real relationship. Am I afraid of true intimacy? Maybe it's that.
The past few months have been busy for me and I've found myself getting mad at my MM more often than usual. It's an anger that boils like the bubbles coming to the surface of the teapot, right before it whistles...an anger that is suppressed, but as the time goes by, it grows in momentum--until it explodes when my MM does or says something that is a reminder that he is indeed a MM; that I am not his #1 priority.
I got angry when he
I'm going on an extended trip away in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month so it will give me some time away from my MM. I think it will be good for me. I'm going to use this time to take a break from all this madness: literally.
It has been 3 months since I lasted posted here. I can't believe it's been that long. I went back and saw that several people had commented on my posts so I now approved them all for posting--sorry for the delay! (I think I'll just change my settings so that I don't have to approve them in the future.)
Funny thing: 3 months go by but they are nothing in terms of the time I've been with my MM. I read others' comments about "wasting my time," and how I have low self-esteem issues: that the reason people stay in these situations is because of their low self-worth. That may be. I don't consider myself to be less than others; I know that I am good enough; that I deserve love; that I am worthy....I know all of this intellectually. Perhaps it's my heart and soul that don't believe it?
I do know that I have total control and can just decide to go. Yet I am here. I know that I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not afraid of being alone, so it's not that. I don't feel that I have to have a man on my arm to be worthy.
I've wondered if it's just easier for me to continue with this relationship because I don't have to be 100% "on" with my MM as he isn't here with me all the time. Perhaps I'm afraid of what a real relationship would be like: one where I'm adored, respected and honored and where I'd do the same to him; a relationship where I am free to be me; one where I'd be expected to give of myself wholly and he to me; one where I am truly intimately involved in the day-to-day "stuff" that comes with being in a real relationship. Am I afraid of true intimacy? Maybe it's that.
The past few months have been busy for me and I've found myself getting mad at my MM more often than usual. It's an anger that boils like the bubbles coming to the surface of the teapot, right before it whistles...an anger that is suppressed, but as the time goes by, it grows in momentum--until it explodes when my MM does or says something that is a reminder that he is indeed a MM; that I am not his #1 priority.
I got angry when he
- constantly checked his watch as we were enjoying a long dinner
- responded in a very usual, normal way that he had gone to a movie with "his family," (which meant that his wife went with them)
- purposefully refrained from putting his arm around me in photos on separate professional situations in which we were involved (yet he very quickly puts it around others involved-as he is a 'touchy' guy)
- defended his "non-touching" for those photos as "it's business"
- questions who I've told about us
- gets upset because I've told people about us!
I'm going on an extended trip away in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month so it will give me some time away from my MM. I think it will be good for me. I'm going to use this time to take a break from all this madness: literally.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Lonely Weekends and Outrage
This weekend my MM cannot see me due to what he says are his "church activities." While we saw each other during the week, it's always a quick visit on a weekday. So this weekend I am alone. While I'm ok being alone, I'm having a bit of anger right now. I'm tired. If only I could stay in this feeling long enough to get on with my life....
I decided to look around on the internet and see if I could find his church online. (It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but I haven't gone there in a long while.) I was successful. On it were some new photos of various activities and church-related functions. I just spent time looking at those photos, searching for "clues" about his life away from me. Most of the photos he isn't with his wife, but there are a few...
Seeing these photos is a vivid reminder that I am alone. I am not usually lonely, but today I am sad, angry and frustrated that he is living this life out there without me publicly in it. If only I could hold that thought long enough for me to move on....
I look at these pictures and see this man that I love, living a religious life, surrounded by God-loving people who would probably judge him if they knew about his life with me. Of course, if they are truly God-loving people, they would forgive him, too, but that's not the purpose of this post.
I write here to let you into the psychology of my being: this "other woman" who sits at home on this weekend, watching internet photos of her married man in church activities without her...I feel lonely today. I feel mad at myself for being where I am. I am angry at my MM for taking so darn long. I even wonder about that attractive woman I see in these photos at his church: could he be having an affair with her, too?
Whoa. My mind goes off in a thousand different directions. If he left his wife and married me, would I be able to trust him? I'm not sure I like my answer.
I'm mad because he doesn't have much time for me. While we see each other quite frequently, it's never for as long as I'd like it to be. He always has to get home. That makes me mad. If his wife really, truly knows that he wants out of his marriage, then why is he in such a hurry to leave me? For fear that he'll get caught! I'm outraged! He says that it isn't like that: that I don't understand how it is for him at home; that because I think differently than his wife, I couldn't possibly understand...
Well, I understand alright. I understand that my MM doesn't want to get caught by his wife! I understand that my MM doesn't want his church-family to know that he has a mistress on the side! I understand that my MM doesn't want people to know about us because it might damage his "image" both personally and professionally!
I am outraged! What about me? I am TIRED of understanding. I've "understood" enough already.
Yes, I'm mad. I'm mad it's taking so darn long. I'm mad that I fell for his 'excuses' and 'reasons' in the first place. I'm mad because I trusted him. Trust. Damn. THERE IS NO TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN! I'm mad because I get what he has time for--because I'm last on his list--because he doesn't have time to spend an entire day with me--or take a short weekend off together--because he controls when and where we see each other--and I let him do it! I'm mad because I have total power to let him go--yet I haven't been able to do it.
I'm like leftovers in a Thanksgiving meal and he's my appetizer. I cannot even order "Married Man On-Demand." There is no instant show when I want it: only when he is free. He controls the remote control. I'm like the "drive-through" where he comes for fast food, once a week.
Enough---The fact that I cannot shout out to the world that we are so madly in love is getting on my nerves. If this love is so grand, then why should I be silent?
I'm tired and angry. There are no more excuses. Why should I excuse this behavior? I am worthy of being loved, fully and deeply by a man who only has eyes for me. My time has come. Watch me.
I decided to look around on the internet and see if I could find his church online. (It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but I haven't gone there in a long while.) I was successful. On it were some new photos of various activities and church-related functions. I just spent time looking at those photos, searching for "clues" about his life away from me. Most of the photos he isn't with his wife, but there are a few...
Seeing these photos is a vivid reminder that I am alone. I am not usually lonely, but today I am sad, angry and frustrated that he is living this life out there without me publicly in it. If only I could hold that thought long enough for me to move on....
I look at these pictures and see this man that I love, living a religious life, surrounded by God-loving people who would probably judge him if they knew about his life with me. Of course, if they are truly God-loving people, they would forgive him, too, but that's not the purpose of this post.
I write here to let you into the psychology of my being: this "other woman" who sits at home on this weekend, watching internet photos of her married man in church activities without her...I feel lonely today. I feel mad at myself for being where I am. I am angry at my MM for taking so darn long. I even wonder about that attractive woman I see in these photos at his church: could he be having an affair with her, too?
Whoa. My mind goes off in a thousand different directions. If he left his wife and married me, would I be able to trust him? I'm not sure I like my answer.
I'm mad because he doesn't have much time for me. While we see each other quite frequently, it's never for as long as I'd like it to be. He always has to get home. That makes me mad. If his wife really, truly knows that he wants out of his marriage, then why is he in such a hurry to leave me? For fear that he'll get caught! I'm outraged! He says that it isn't like that: that I don't understand how it is for him at home; that because I think differently than his wife, I couldn't possibly understand...
Well, I understand alright. I understand that my MM doesn't want to get caught by his wife! I understand that my MM doesn't want his church-family to know that he has a mistress on the side! I understand that my MM doesn't want people to know about us because it might damage his "image" both personally and professionally!
I am outraged! What about me? I am TIRED of understanding. I've "understood" enough already.
Yes, I'm mad. I'm mad it's taking so darn long. I'm mad that I fell for his 'excuses' and 'reasons' in the first place. I'm mad because I trusted him. Trust. Damn. THERE IS NO TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN! I'm mad because I get what he has time for--because I'm last on his list--because he doesn't have time to spend an entire day with me--or take a short weekend off together--because he controls when and where we see each other--and I let him do it! I'm mad because I have total power to let him go--yet I haven't been able to do it.
I'm like leftovers in a Thanksgiving meal and he's my appetizer. I cannot even order "Married Man On-Demand." There is no instant show when I want it: only when he is free. He controls the remote control. I'm like the "drive-through" where he comes for fast food, once a week.
Enough---The fact that I cannot shout out to the world that we are so madly in love is getting on my nerves. If this love is so grand, then why should I be silent?
I'm tired and angry. There are no more excuses. Why should I excuse this behavior? I am worthy of being loved, fully and deeply by a man who only has eyes for me. My time has come. Watch me.
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