The Time Passes & My Anger Swells

I thought at the time of my last post that I wouldn't need to be writing here any longer...as I would no longer be "TOW." That is sadly not the case.

It has been 3 months since I lasted posted here. I can't believe it's been that long. I went back and saw that several people had commented on my posts so I now approved them all for posting--sorry for the delay! (I think I'll just change my settings so that I don't have to approve them in the future.)

Funny thing: 3 months go by but they are nothing in terms of the time I've been with my MM. I read others' comments about "wasting my time," and how I have low self-esteem issues: that the reason people stay in these situations is because of their low self-worth. That may be. I don't consider myself to be less than others; I know that I am good enough; that I deserve love; that I am worthy....I know all of this intellectually. Perhaps it's my heart and soul that don't believe it?

I do know that I have total control and can just decide to go. Yet I am here. I know that I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not afraid of being alone, so it's not that. I don't feel that I have to have a man on my arm to be worthy.

I've wondered if it's just easier for me to continue with this relationship because I don't have to be 100% "on" with my MM as he isn't here with me all the time. Perhaps I'm afraid of what a real relationship would be like: one where I'm adored, respected and honored and where I'd do the same to him; a relationship where I am free to be me; one where I'd be expected to give of myself wholly and he to me; one where I am truly intimately involved in the day-to-day "stuff" that comes with being in a real relationship. Am I afraid of true intimacy? Maybe it's that.

The past few months have been busy for me and I've found myself getting mad at my MM more often than usual. It's an anger that boils like the bubbles coming to the surface of the teapot, right before it whistles...an anger that is suppressed, but as the time goes by, it grows in momentum--until it explodes when my MM does or says something that is a reminder that he is indeed a MM; that I am not his #1 priority.

I got angry when he

• constantly checked his watch as we were enjoying a long dinner
• responded in a very usual, normal way that he had gone to a movie with "his family," (which meant that his wife went with them)
• purposefully refrained from putting his arm around me in photos on separate professional situations in which we were involved (yet he very quickly puts it around others involved-as he is a 'touchy' guy)
  
• defended his "non-touching" for those photos as "it's business"
• questions who I've told about us
• gets upset because I've told people about us!

I guess I'm angry because I know deep down that, no matter what he says to justify or clarify why me sharing our relationship bothers him, I know in my soul that he just doesn't want to get caught. And that hurts.

I'm going on an extended trip away in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month so it will give me some time away from my MM. I think it will be good for me. I'm going to use this time to take a break from all this madness: literally.

Lonely Weekends and Outrage

This weekend my MM cannot see me due to what he says are his "church activities." While we saw each other during the week, it's always a quick visit on a weekday. So this weekend I am alone. While I'm ok being alone, I'm having a bit of anger right now. I'm tired. If only I could stay in this feeling long enough to get on with my life....

I decided to look around on the internet and see if I could find his church online. (It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but I haven't gone there in a long while.) I was successful. On it were some new photos of various activities and church-related functions. I just spent time looking at those photos, searching for "clues" about his life away from me. Most of the photos he isn't with his wife, but there are a few...

Seeing these photos is a vivid reminder that I am alone. I am not usually lonely, but today I am sad, angry and frustrated that he is living this life out there without me publicly in it. If only I could hold that thought long enough for me to move on....

I look at these pictures and see this man that I love, living a religious life, surrounded by God-loving people who would probably judge him if they knew about his life with me. Of course, if they are truly God-loving people, they would forgive him, too, but that's not the purpose of this post.

I write here to let you into the psychology of my being: this "other woman" who sits at home on this weekend, watching internet photos of her married man in church activities without her...I feel lonely today. I feel mad at myself for being where I am. I am angry at my MM for taking so darn long. I even wonder about that attractive woman I see in these photos at his church: could he be having an affair with her, too?

Whoa. My mind goes off in a thousand different directions. If he left his wife and married me, would I be able to trust him? I'm not sure I like my answer.

I'm mad because he doesn't have much time for me. While we see each other quite frequently, it's never for as long as I'd like it to be. He always has to get home. That makes me mad. If his wife really, truly knows that he wants out of his marriage, then why is he in such a hurry to leave me? For fear that he'll get caught! I'm outraged! He says that it isn't like that: that I don't understand how it is for him at home; that because I think differently than his wife, I couldn't possibly understand...

Well, I understand alright. I understand that my MM doesn't want to get caught by his wife! I understand that my MM doesn't want his church-family to know that he has a mistress on the side! I understand that my MM doesn't want people to know about us because it might damage his "image" both personally and professionally!

I am outraged! What about me? I am TIRED of understanding. I've "understood" enough already.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm mad it's taking so darn long. I'm mad that I fell for his 'excuses' and 'reasons' in the first place. I'm mad because I trusted him. Trust. Damn. THERE IS NO TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN! I'm mad because I get what he has time for--because I'm last on his list--because he doesn't have time to spend an entire day with me--or take a short weekend off together--because he controls when and where we see each other--and I let him do it! I'm mad because I have total power to let him go--yet I haven't been able to do it.

I'm like leftovers in a Thanksgiving meal and he's my appetizer. I cannot even order "Married Man On-Demand." There is no instant show when I want it: only when he is free. He controls the remote control. I'm like the "drive-through" where he comes for fast food, once a week.

Enough---The fact that I cannot shout out to the world that we are so madly in love is getting on my nerves. If this love is so grand, then why should I be silent?

I'm tired and angry. There are no more excuses. Why should I excuse this behavior? I am worthy of being loved, fully and deeply by a man who only has eyes for me. My time has come. Watch me.

Choices

One of my readers made the comment that by choosing to stay (in other words, doing nothing), is a choice. That person was absolutely right!

It's about choices we make, isn't it? I have a choice to leave. He has a choice to leave. Looking back on all these years, I've contemplated lots of choices and "justified" my choices in various ways. Here's a glimpse of some of the choices I've contemplated over the years. There were probably many more variations of this, but you get the idea.

The Staying for A Child Choice: This one is huge. I know first-hand what it's like to stay in a marriage because of children so I understand any reasons he may give for staying now that are related to his kids.

The Time Limit Choice: I'll give him __ (fill in the blank) number of months to move out of his house and if he doesn't, I'll let him go. This one I always did in my mind; never told him out loud.

The "I'm afraid of losing him" Choice: I cannot imagine my life without him. Period.

The "Because I Love Him, I'll Let Him Go" Choice: The best thing I can do for him is to love him enough to let him go.

The "Because I Love Myself, I'll Let Him Go" Choice: The best thing I can do for myself is to let him go--to love myself enough to let him go. I deserve someone who loves me fully. I haven't acted on this choice but I understand it.

The "Let's Be Friends" Choice: Since we are so important to each other, we can just be friends until he moves out. That way no one gets hurt.

The Being There For Him When He Needs Me Choice: He was there for me during the beginning of our relationship when I needed someone for support. Now it's my turn to be there for him so I'll hang in there a bit longer.

The "His Wife Has to Know About Me" Choice: After all this time, his wife has to know, so this really isn't a lie to anyone.

The "I Love Him Probably Precisely for the Same Reasons His Wife Married Him" Choice: There are great qualities in this man which must have attracted his wife to him in the first place so it's understandable that I fell in love with him, too. Maybe that's why she stays... This one gets me if I ponder it for too long.

The "When I Make an Important Decision, I Make It For Good" Choice: I am not the kind of person to threaten ultimatums and never give my MM any. So if I'm going to let him go (or) give him a timeline, I'd better be sure I mean it.

The "Jesus and God Wouldn't Judge Us" Choice: Jesus was forgiving, even to prostitutes, so there's no reason to think God won't forgive us, too.

The "Most important thing is love" Choice: The Bible says that the most important commandment is love so I stay.

The "We Are Going to Beat the Statistics" choice: I don't care what the statistics say! We are in love and he will leave his wife and we will have a happy life together. We'll show the world that not all affairs fit the stereotype.

The "You've Got to Be A Fool To Be Here This Long!" Choice: This is one that I've sometimes thought but never acted on.

The Since His Marriage is Lousy & His Wife Knows He Wants Out, We're Not Hurting Anyone Choice: He says he's told his wife he wants out, and is living under the same roof for various personal reasons. So there's no deception and no one gets hurt. Since my intention is not to hurt anyone, I stay.

The "Let's Not Be Hasty" Choice: I wouldn't want to do something I will later regret, so if I'm having doubts and I'm unsure about whether to let him go, I'll just wait and see. The answer will come to me later.

The "I Know Plenty of Couples Who Live In the Same Household & Aren't Sleeping Together" Choice: I know exactly first-hand that there are couples that live together for years and aren't intimate so I understand his situation. I lived it and know several other women who are living it now, too. So I believe him and I'll wait.

The "What If I Were to Date Someone Else?" Choice: I wonder how he'd react if I dated someone else? I wonder but never make this choice a reality.

The "How Do I Feel?" Choice: If I am feeling sad and upset about our relationship, then it's time to let him go. But if the majority of our relationship is great, fun and loving, then it's worth keeping, so I stay.

Aw, yes, the choices we make (or not). Life is a choice indeed.

New Year's Blues: To Trust My Gut or Not

Being the positive person I usually am, I started off this new year on a good note. I rarely get sad but yesterday my MM came over. We had a wonderful time together until my heart felt this nauseous feeling. My mind was wondering, really, really wondering what happens when he goes home every night.

I'm sure my occasional readers to this very occasional blog will think I'm being naive for even asking myself that question: that he obviously is "having his cake and eating it, too," that I should move on with my life without him, that he must be a dog, that I must be crazy for staying in this thing for so long, etc. etc. etc.

I write that not because I care about what anyone thinks or feels. But I do care about me and my happiness. I am not happy when I have those "heart-felt moments" of doubt. They don't last long but they creep up every so many months or so....sometimes it takes a year before they come along. What is striking about them is that they make me nauseous. Something is not right. I should listen to my gut. It has not failed me in other areas of my life: why is it so difficult to trust my gut with regard to my MM?

So here I sit with a bit of the blues. Not exactly sadness or depression: no tears, no crying at night, no worrying about where he is or what he's doing... but more of a nagging sensation in my gut that this is the life that I've chosen for myself. It's a nagging sensation in my gut that I also know that I have the power to change....Just like that...or not. The choice is mine. So why do I choose to do nothing?

We Are Back Together, If You Can Call It That

I realize I haven't updated anything on this blog in some months, so here it is.

We stayed away from each other for a bit. In the scheme of things, it really wasn't that long. I honestly cannot remember how long it was. I was so incredibly sad and tired of being depressed so I accepted his reasons for not leaving his marriage (again) and took him back.

Perhaps he always knew that I would. Maybe so..maybe not. He has been much more attentive towards me since then. I guess he figured he almost "lost" me so for now, he isn't taking me for granted.

For now, it is working for me like it is. I don't feel as if I'm selling myself short, I'm not really the type that feels I need a man in my life to be happy, I know that I can be happy no matter what my circumstance...I guess you'd say that I'm a pretty positive person.

So I am taking things one day at a time and I'm happy for now. We'll see. So we're back together, if you can call it that--as we really aren't together in the way that most people would describe being together: no marriage, no open transparent relationship in all public places, no taking and planning vacations together, no family reunions, etc...But it feels like we're married in the emotional sense. He is my best friend and I am his. When we do see each other, it's the most powerful connection I've ever had with a man: kind of like a honeymoon all the time.

Maybe that's why it feels so good. We don't have to deal with each other, day in and out, come home to one another or make decisions about financial or family matters that married couples do, we rarely disagree and when we do, we are able to work things out pretty easily; we don't have kids together so there's no parenting issues to deal with, and we don't have to consult with each other on major decisions.

Yet we often do consult each other on decisions and advice. And in doing so, we become even more emotionally connected.

So it's back to one day at a time for me.
Until next time,
The Other Woman

A River of Tears

It finally happened. I've been crying a river of tears the past two days. It's been over two weeks since I told my married man that this wasn't working for me anymore and I've been strong, calm, collected, and patiently waiting for a response. No real tears until these past few days. Now it's a river.

When I first told him, he was blind-sided by it all. I did it right after we made exquisite love to one another. (I have to admit that I was surprised at my timing!) I'd never told him that before. He could always count on me to be there for him: with my love, my faith in us, my consistent, undying devotion to him and to us that I so freely gave. I don't believe that he ever thought I'd have the guts to let him go.

I honestly saw him tremble and all he could do was jet out the door as I began to question him about his inability to move out of his house for these past years. Let's just say it was a deep, probing conversation with lots of questions so he was in a real hurry to get out of all that!

When I asked him why he wasn't saying anything, he was close to his own river of tears. He said that he was thinking about all that I was saying, so I decided to give him some space to figure it out.

Space, you may ask yourself? Yeah, I know it's quite funny, isn't it? He's had 8 years to "figure it out." Ha! He was just plain scared: just like he is scared to get caught, scared of ruining his image professionally, personally and especially spiritually. He needed time to figure out a carefully worded reply, just as he probably does every time when he has to explain to his wife or his family where's he's been after he has been with me. Yep--it's time to take a break, gather my thoughts and figure out another lie.

Did I mention that he is considers himself a devout Christian? He has been tormented by our love, but it really is convenient for him to use this when he remembers it. He's heavily involved in his church, serves in leadership positions and has actually thought of some form of ministry himself. Yet, he conveniently forgets or chooses to ignore all of this when he makes the decision to be with me.

Now if I press the issue of when he will leave his marriage, he conveniently uses his Christian faith as a reason that we should just "be friends." Now, it's not the usual "I can't leave my marriage because I'm Christian," kind of excuse you'd expect. Instead it goes like this: "In order to discover and know God's will for my life, I need to do right by God and our relationship as it is now cannot be right with God. So if we are friends, then I'll know God's will for my life. If God wants us to be together, it will happen."

In the past, I've found Scripture to show how God is a forgiving God, God is love, how love is the most important thing of all, etc. etc. etc. to fight back and make my counterpoint. I've even pointed out to him that he broke his marriage vows long before I came along. (I'm not the first 'other woman' in his life.) I don't even go there anymore. He believes what he believes, yet he sends mixed messages and lives mixed messages within himself everytime we are together.

But here's the rub: To suggest that we can still be friends (emotionally) as we are now, would also be cheating in God's eyes for many Christians. He doesn't see that as an issue, but I bet if you ask his wife, she would. And the salt on my wound is that if I agree to staying connected as "friends," I may never get over this man. He still has me emotionally, we still have each other emotionally and we run the risk that we'll be physically intimate again very soon because we will long for each other even more. And if I think about not only salt to my wound, but add a long daggar further into it by agreeing to be friends, I could be stuck for another 8 years. It may seem incredible to many to imagine how I would even think of staying that long, much less for another 8 years, but it's amazing how time flies when you're not paying attention to it.

So when he called me this morning, I forced the conversation, really wanting some sort of feedback on what he's thinking. (He was just going to call and avoid the conversation.) I decided that he'd had enough space ... What I got was the same old pattern: "I think it's best if we can just be friends. I don't want to hurt you and it's not fair to ask you to wait...."

Hence, my river of tears. It hurts. I'm disappointed. I'm afraid. I'm sad. I feel used. I feel frustrated. I feel disrespected. After eight years and all these promises, all you can give me is "let's be friends?"

So I know what I'm going through is normal for someone in my situation. And I guess by now you can read into my anger and sarcasm a bit. Yes, I love this man. Now I have to decide what I want. By the time I'm done, I'll probably have an ocean of tears.

Letting Go of My Married Man

This weekend I took a risk with a long-term relationship I’ve been in. While I love this man very much, there are things about the relationship that are currently not working for me. They are things that I have been compromising on for many years but that don’t really show respect for me as a person. I deserve to be loved in a way that I love. While I have given much love to this man, he has been unable to completely commit to me. I’ve gone along with this situation for almost 8 years. That’s a long time. It almost feels like a marriage, but with a twist: he's married alright--just not to me!

I’ve known in my gut that I needed to express these feelings, let him go and see if he comes back to me. The statistics are not in my favor. Most married men in this situation do not leave their marriages when given ultimatums by their lovers. And when they do, the statistics are not very good either. Almost every psychological study I've seen about married men leaving their wives for the other woman says that the vast majority of them do not work out. Yet, I know of several couples personally where it has worked out for more than 25 years.

Who knows what will happen to us or to me? I know that when I spoke with him that day, I needed to express myself in that moment about how our relationship right now is not working for me. Maybe I needed to let him go so that the Universe will bring me someone who can fully love me for who I am. All I know is that, had I done this even two years ago, I would be a nervous wreck at this point, sobbing over the loss and getting really depressed.

The truth of the matter is that I slept real well Saturday night after I told him. That was a huge shock to me, and validation of how far I've come in my own personal development over these years. Sunday I started to second-guess myself, and a little bit today as well. I do love this man. I loved our relationship, our friendship, our connection--when we were together, that is.

I am just plain tired. Tired of being second on his list; sometimes third or fourth, when it came to family things. Tired of not being able to be out in the world and proclaim our love to all that can see that we are crazy about each other. Yes, we are in love with each other. But there is something still holding him back.

I guess I always knew deep down that it would be me to let him go. And I am proud of myself--that I could think of myself first; that I had the courage and strength to lovingly express how I’m feeling, how I’m tired and how it’s not working for me like this.

Now, if he chooses to do something--get out of that house, for example--I will continue our relationship.

I sit and wait now. I have decided to wait and see what, if anything, he does next. Should he suggest that we get together and talk, I will not be intimate anymore. Should he show up with his suitcases in hand to my house, I will be thrilled!

Most of all, I feel free. Regardless of outcome, I did something for ME that I have needed to do for many years now.

So here I wait--for my married man--or not. But I won’t wait for long. I take it day by day and I need to work on the sadness I feel. While it feels as if I’m in mourning, there are no real tears right now. I sit back and observe that in shock. No tears? But there is a sense of a hollow heart, a bottomless pit in my stomach that is not going away. I love him. I also love myself enough to finally let him go. While I intend for him to take action, I also know that I have no control over those results. So I wait.

Wow, I’m so much stronger than I was just a year ago. Good for me. And I miss him already, but once I decide something big like this, there is no turning back for me. I’m like that: I don’t threaten to leave someone, give ultimatums, etc. and it takes me a long time to reach a major decision, but when I do, I do it quickly and cut the strings with the precision of a sharp knife. I am willing to sew those chords together with him, but only if he brings himself to me, with a concrete, visible results that he is indeed leaving his marriage.

It is unacceptable anymore for me to stay with this man if he cannot make that step. Since I cannot control another person, I had to do what I feel is best for me.

Hopefully he will see the light and take action. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he hasn’t grown as much as me. But then I did him a favor. Maybe it’s time he re-evaluate WHY he has remained with his wife that he professes not to love anymore--maybe there is still a chance for them to be happy. And I certainly cannot stand in their way any longer.

I miss him already and with hopeful anticipation for his next move. Time is on my side, either way.