He Didn't Call

He didn't call today. That's not surprising, since we had a fight these past few days. We have never fought like that before, so I'm feeling wounded and upset, but also curious because of what the fight was about.

He has issues of trust WITH ME. Can you imagine that? No wonder he doesn't trust as he cannot be trusted. He's been lying to his wife, family and friends (either directly or indirectly by his silence) for YEARS.

The fact that he didn't call is nothing new. This is the reality of being involved with a MM. Everything is on his terms. He controls when you see each other, how you communicate, how often and so on.

I'm tired of control. I love him but I'm tired. It's time I take control of my life, don't you think?

I could call him and I often do, having a lot more guts in the later years of our relationship than I had in the beginning. I figure that it is his issue whether or not he has his phone around and if he answers, and how he explains it.

I used to be what I thought was "considerate" of his situation; always waiting for him to call, never calling him so he wouldn't get discovered, etc. Back then, he had a pager, so I could always call that. I was so concerned about having him get caught! Maybe it was due to my fear that he would then leave me, if he were found out....hmmm--something to ponder.

Anyway, 4 years ago I would be very upset that he didn't call. Now, I am just indifferent. I miss him, yes, and I'm feeling bad because we fought and I'm not sure what will happen, but I am tired of feeling tired and sad and disappointed because he didn't call. So I do the things I love instead, like write here.

So maybe tomorrow, he'll call. Maybe not. I honestly need the time to reflect on what I'm going to do and when. It will be a welcome relief if he leaves me alone for a few days. Of course, I could always not answer the phone, but it's hard, especially when I miss him.

NOTE TO WIVES: Married men with pagers and cell phone bills that come to a P.O. Box or that you cannot see--wives, beware! If you cannot look at your husband's bill, then he's hiding something!