He Called

He called. It's ok now so I can get some sleep tonight, which is what I'm going to do right now.

He Didn't Call

He didn't call today. That's not surprising, since we had a fight these past few days. We have never fought like that before, so I'm feeling wounded and upset, but also curious because of what the fight was about.

He has issues of trust WITH ME. Can you imagine that? No wonder he doesn't trust as he cannot be trusted. He's been lying to his wife, family and friends (either directly or indirectly by his silence) for YEARS.

The fact that he didn't call is nothing new. This is the reality of being involved with a MM. Everything is on his terms. He controls when you see each other, how you communicate, how often and so on.

I'm tired of control. I love him but I'm tired. It's time I take control of my life, don't you think?

I could call him and I often do, having a lot more guts in the later years of our relationship than I had in the beginning. I figure that it is his issue whether or not he has his phone around and if he answers, and how he explains it.

I used to be what I thought was "considerate" of his situation; always waiting for him to call, never calling him so he wouldn't get discovered, etc. Back then, he had a pager, so I could always call that. I was so concerned about having him get caught! Maybe it was due to my fear that he would then leave me, if he were found out....hmmm--something to ponder.

Anyway, 4 years ago I would be very upset that he didn't call. Now, I am just indifferent. I miss him, yes, and I'm feeling bad because we fought and I'm not sure what will happen, but I am tired of feeling tired and sad and disappointed because he didn't call. So I do the things I love instead, like write here.

So maybe tomorrow, he'll call. Maybe not. I honestly need the time to reflect on what I'm going to do and when. It will be a welcome relief if he leaves me alone for a few days. Of course, I could always not answer the phone, but it's hard, especially when I miss him.

NOTE TO WIVES: Married men with pagers and cell phone bills that come to a P.O. Box or that you cannot see--wives, beware! If you cannot look at your husband's bill, then he's hiding something!

Never Say "Never"

How did I get here? I used to say I'd never get involved with a married man! How did it happen? Why didn't I think first before jumping into things? How could I have been so foolish?

I used to judge people all the time. I used to say that I'd NEVER get involved with a married man, as if I were some "holier than thou" person--as if women who did this were weak, inferior and immoral. I judged the women. I judged because society judges. Yet no one talks much about the man who is stepping out on his wife...

I learned real quick to bite my tongue when it came to judging people's situations when I completely fell for my married man (MM). This is my journey. It has been seven years. It has been a long seven years of pain, suffering, lonliness, heartache, guilt, feeling ashamed, condemned, broken-hearted, desperate, yet longing and hoping and praying that he'd leave his wife.

Well, guess what, world? He's still there with her! Seven years, not months! Seven years--count them! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven! And I'm still here, hanging on to some hope that he'll leave his marriage and we can start a life together...But even that is a lie, as that is not what I feel inside; only what I say to the few that I've chosen to confide in.

This is my journey. I write in order to educate--to give the world an idea of what it's like to be "the other woman." What it's like to be a functioning person in this world who seems so normal in all other ways, what it's like to experience the emotions of disappointments, the constant waiting and longing and emotional rollercoaster of a ride in this journey.

I write to assist: to assist other women who may be contemplating whether to get involved in this type of affair; to assist the wives who know deep down inside that their husbands are cheating on them; to assist the men who choose this life yet don't consider the consequences of their behaviors; to assist the children of families affected by a life of lies and deception; and to assist me in getting out, in gaining strength in knowing that my words will serve as my counselor, my comforter, my enabler to motivate me to take action and leave.

Welcome to my blog.