When Words Are Not Enough

It's been some time since I last posted. I've been busy, quite frankly. My MM and I had some difficult conversations during this time and I have to admit that I got it all out...I said everything I needed to say to him, so there will be no regrets.

Yet, we still keep talking. We're not seeing each other at the moment, but we are still talking. Well, these words are not enough. I know that I need to cut off communication if this affair is indeed ending. I know intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Yet it is ironic that the spiritual side of me calls out his name, in my soul, in my heart. I love this man deeply. I feel a spiritual connection unlike I've ever felt in my life.

How is that possible, you may ask, when he is lying to everyone? Isn't it possible that he is lying to me as well?

Yes it is possible. Entirely quite possible, yet his words say something else. His words are always so perfect (with the exception of our recent spat). He always has a good way with his words. And therein lies the problem.

You see, I believed those words. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said seven years ago that he was getting out of his marriage. I believed him again when he assured me that it wouldn't be much longer. Yet, here I am, seven years later, still alone, waiting here for him to leave his wife. What good are those words right now? His actions speak louder than words.

Actions speak louder than words. How so very true. His actions demonstrate to me that he does love me. But they also demonstrate to me that, for whatever the reason/s, I am not his first priority. Heck, I am not even his second or third priority right now. In fact, he told me once that I was on this short list of people who were high up on his list, yet his actions tell me otherwise.

I also know that things are not always black and white. It may seem that way from the outside, much like the thinking I used to have of knowing that I could never get in a situation like the situation I'm in. So I keep hoping.

Lately, I'm losing hope. I am so sad. I need to get a resolution to this, to step out in fear and step through the fear anyway. Maybe he'll meet me on the other side. Maybe not. Time will tell.