This weekend I took a risk with a long-term relationship I’ve been in. While I love this man very much, there are things about the relationship that are currently not working for me. They are things that I have been compromising on for many years but that don’t really show respect for me as a person. I deserve to be loved in a way that I love. While I have given much love to this man, he has been unable to completely commit to me. I’ve gone along with this situation for almost 8 years. That’s a long time. It almost feels like a marriage, but with a twist: he's married alright--just not to me!
I’ve known in my gut that I needed to express these feelings, let him go and see if he comes back to me. The statistics are not in my favor. Most married men in this situation do not leave their marriages when given ultimatums by their lovers. And when they do, the statistics are not very good either. Almost every psychological study I've seen about married men leaving their wives for the other woman says that the vast majority of them do not work out. Yet, I know of several couples personally where it has worked out for more than 25 years.
Who knows what will happen to us or to me? I know that when I spoke with him that day, I needed to express myself in that moment about how our relationship right now is not working for me. Maybe I needed to let him go so that the Universe will bring me someone who can fully love me for who I am. All I know is that, had I done this even two years ago, I would be a nervous wreck at this point, sobbing over the loss and getting really depressed.
The truth of the matter is that I slept real well Saturday night after I told him. That was a huge shock to me, and validation of how far I've come in my own personal development over these years. Sunday I started to second-guess myself, and a little bit today as well. I do love this man. I loved our relationship, our friendship, our connection--when we were together, that is.
I am just plain tired. Tired of being second on his list; sometimes third or fourth, when it came to family things. Tired of not being able to be out in the world and proclaim our love to all that can see that we are crazy about each other. Yes, we are in love with each other. But there is something still holding him back.
I guess I always knew deep down that it would be me to let him go. And I am proud of myself--that I could think of myself first; that I had the courage and strength to lovingly express how I’m feeling, how I’m tired and how it’s not working for me like this.
Now, if he chooses to do something--get out of that house, for example--I will continue our relationship.
I sit and wait now. I have decided to wait and see what, if anything, he does next. Should he suggest that we get together and talk, I will not be intimate anymore. Should he show up with his suitcases in hand to my house, I will be thrilled!
Most of all, I feel free. Regardless of outcome, I did something for ME that I have needed to do for many years now.
So here I wait--for my married man--or not. But I won’t wait for long. I take it day by day and I need to work on the sadness I feel. While it feels as if I’m in mourning, there are no real tears right now. I sit back and observe that in shock. No tears? But there is a sense of a hollow heart, a bottomless pit in my stomach that is not going away. I love him. I also love myself enough to finally let him go. While I intend for him to take action, I also know that I have no control over those results. So I wait.
Wow, I’m so much stronger than I was just a year ago. Good for me. And I miss him already, but once I decide something big like this, there is no turning back for me. I’m like that: I don’t threaten to leave someone, give ultimatums, etc. and it takes me a long time to reach a major decision, but when I do, I do it quickly and cut the strings with the precision of a sharp knife. I am willing to sew those chords together with him, but only if he brings himself to me, with a concrete, visible results that he is indeed leaving his marriage.
It is unacceptable anymore for me to stay with this man if he cannot make that step. Since I cannot control another person, I had to do what I feel is best for me.
Hopefully he will see the light and take action. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he hasn’t grown as much as me. But then I did him a favor. Maybe it’s time he re-evaluate WHY he has remained with his wife that he professes not to love anymore--maybe there is still a chance for them to be happy. And I certainly cannot stand in their way any longer.
I miss him already and with hopeful anticipation for his next move. Time is on my side, either way.
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11 comments:
Wow. I felt like I was writing this. I think I'm almost there. Maybe reading this was all the extra push I need. Thanks.
I am in the same situation. It's been going on for 7 years. We'd break up because he'd feel "guilty" but then would start with me again. Were off now but I pray every day that this works out. By the way although I was in an emotionally abusive marriage to a surgeon I have not so much as even thought of anyone else. Never will. It's not the sex although it's great only because of the tremendous love but he's my friend. That is what I miss most. His 2 children are both grown and married. Before me he was with someone else for 2 years so it's obvious it's not a marriage except on paper. I too will wait it out and pray. Marriage doesn't always involve love and that is what the "other woman" is providing. It's hard for me to understand why he stays. Says it's just complacency and doesn't want to hurt her.
Good for you! if the relationship is not meeting your needs...and wants it is time to leave.
I have been in a relationship with a married man (a dear friend) for over five years. He and his wife are not happy but are trying to be a team and raise a child and I respect that. My kids are grown and having a mom and dad is important. I would never think of breaking up that relationship. What we (my lover and I) bring to our respective lives is precious. We bring a love and closeness that we have not found elsewhere.
The bottom line is relationships can be defined very differently and sometimes love comes in different forms. Our expectation of what love and relationships are and should be define our happiness. Mot everyone defines love or happiness in the same way. Good luck on your journey.
You all tread on very shifty sand. Marriage is sacred my dear friends. And do you really believe all that they say about their wives? Stunning.... how would you react if they wanted to have a relationship with you and said, "listen, my wife is the greatest, we have great sex, she is a great mom and is a great cook... "you would not embark on a journey with this man, would you? Honestly ladies, get a grip on reality. You are not just "the other woman" you are "this woman" this woman who believes lies, creates a place where men can be children, and you never think about the massacre you have created along the way. Don't be "this woman" be A WOMAN, be A LADY for heaven's sake. I can promise you that this was never your mother's dream for any of you and it shouldn't be yours.....
I felt like I was writing this too. I know that in my heart this man is just using me for what he isn't getting at home or at least it feels this way. He moved away but keeps in contact with me. We are not talking in the same state. I love in Texas and he moved to Illinois. The state I grew up in. Some days I can just push ignore when the phone rings. Other days it consumes me and I feel like if I can't talk to him, I can't go on. I find myself 11 months after he has left Texas with his family, still wanting him. Still waiting for his call and STILL unable to move on. What can a person do? My friends support me and tell me I am doing the right thing when I push ignore. Will this love and heartache EVER go away? I want it to. I really do. But after 4 years, how do you do it? The rollercoaster ride is awful. I keep waiting for that knock on the door with bags in hand yet I know....it won't happen. Back and forth I go. I just want it all to STOP!!! How ill I ever find happiness if I don't cut the cord.I just want to forget, but I can't.
I'm hurting also because I love my MM soo much - I want to move on but I'm scared without him. I seem to believe I can't have anyone but him. The bad thing is that he still calls me everyday, tell me he loves me and would leave her if he could. I believe him BUT now he started seeing someone else. I asked him to just tell me the truth but he says he can't because he doesn't want to lose me. So I sit here and wait like a DAYUM FOOL!!!!!
sorry girls yer so sad they stay wit der wives because they love them.........if der wasnt girls like ye der wud b no affairs n marriage breakups... tink ot the kids... go 4 single guys or are ye all tat evil and sad tramps
we are all so foolish, we gals who let these cheating so-called men use us and play us for their own selfish needs. we have to have self love and self respect. show the MM's of the world that all women deserved to be treated with respect.
To all the women who seem to want to read and bash others on this site, I feel sorry for you because you're probably with the man who isn't happy and doesn't have the balls to leave you. If you'd rather have a spouse that has no backbone to do the right thing maybe you should look in the mirror next time you choose to judge someone else.
This really was like a 'what-if' of my own life. My MM doesn't share a bedroom with his wife. We are best friends and lovers, but I am coming to the point where I cannot take the shame anymore. She has made it clear that she will fight to keep him away from the kids and poison their minds about him. As far as a victim, know that she initiated a swinger type relationship in the past that afterward took my friend years to come to terms with. They have a sick relationship that was never love, but in society's eyes, I am the whore even though I am the faithful one. Still, it is becoming too much for me. I am tired of lies and hiding. I deserve to have a respectable love that I can share with my family and friends.
This is me. I am 29 years old and I have a relationship with a married man who was a former officemate. This has been going on for about a year now. I recently left the office as first step in getting him out of my life. We are in the same profession, we both have teaching as our passion and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. It is ironic on how we became close. He just ended a 2-year affair with another woman (of course)and I was just coming off a break-up. We discovered during our mindless chatters that we have a lot in common and we genuinely like each other. I would want to believe that he fell in love with me. He is 13 years older than me. He has a wife and 3 kids. While working on a case up to the wee hours of the morning, I asked him to kiss me which he, of course did. That was the beginning of a roller-coaster emotional ride. We were very happy for the first few months. The sex was great and we were learning a lot about each other everyday since we were officemates. Time wasn't a problem for us since we both love to work late at nights. being with him brought out the worst in me. I never thought that I could be so clingy, so needy and so insecure. It always breaks my heart whenever I see him go. I cant call him during weekends. We cant go to the movies together. We cant go to the mall. We cant arrive at a resto at the same time. Other than the fact that he is married, he is my ideal man. Intelligent, hardworking, charming, great in bed, sweet and very attentive. We can talk for hours and hours everyday (the longest time that we talked in a single day was almost 14 hours, through IM, phone and face to face). Just a few days, I was able to go through his email and found a racy, flirtatious and sexually toned email from a woman who he apparently know from way back. Apparently, my married man scheduled a date with her. I havent confronted him directly with this. Instead, I wrote him an email sayin that even though I love him very much, I can only stand to play second fiddle to his wife and no other woman. I'm not sure if I will have the guts to confront him or even leave him. This is the first time I've experienced so much pain. I can even feel it in my heart. Am I not good enough for him? I have given him everything. and i am still willing to give up everything for him. How dare he do this to me?
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