A River of Tears

It finally happened. I've been crying a river of tears the past two days. It's been over two weeks since I told my married man that this wasn't working for me anymore and I've been strong, calm, collected, and patiently waiting for a response. No real tears until these past few days. Now it's a river.

When I first told him, he was blind-sided by it all. I did it right after we made exquisite love to one another. (I have to admit that I was surprised at my timing!) I'd never told him that before. He could always count on me to be there for him: with my love, my faith in us, my consistent, undying devotion to him and to us that I so freely gave. I don't believe that he ever thought I'd have the guts to let him go.

I honestly saw him tremble and all he could do was jet out the door as I began to question him about his inability to move out of his house for these past years. Let's just say it was a deep, probing conversation with lots of questions so he was in a real hurry to get out of all that!

When I asked him why he wasn't saying anything, he was close to his own river of tears. He said that he was thinking about all that I was saying, so I decided to give him some space to figure it out.

Space, you may ask yourself? Yeah, I know it's quite funny, isn't it? He's had 8 years to "figure it out." Ha! He was just plain scared: just like he is scared to get caught, scared of ruining his image professionally, personally and especially spiritually. He needed time to figure out a carefully worded reply, just as he probably does every time when he has to explain to his wife or his family where's he's been after he has been with me. Yep--it's time to take a break, gather my thoughts and figure out another lie.

Did I mention that he is considers himself a devout Christian? He has been tormented by our love, but it really is convenient for him to use this when he remembers it. He's heavily involved in his church, serves in leadership positions and has actually thought of some form of ministry himself. Yet, he conveniently forgets or chooses to ignore all of this when he makes the decision to be with me.

Now if I press the issue of when he will leave his marriage, he conveniently uses his Christian faith as a reason that we should just "be friends." Now, it's not the usual "I can't leave my marriage because I'm Christian," kind of excuse you'd expect. Instead it goes like this: "In order to discover and know God's will for my life, I need to do right by God and our relationship as it is now cannot be right with God. So if we are friends, then I'll know God's will for my life. If God wants us to be together, it will happen."

In the past, I've found Scripture to show how God is a forgiving God, God is love, how love is the most important thing of all, etc. etc. etc. to fight back and make my counterpoint. I've even pointed out to him that he broke his marriage vows long before I came along. (I'm not the first 'other woman' in his life.) I don't even go there anymore. He believes what he believes, yet he sends mixed messages and lives mixed messages within himself everytime we are together.

But here's the rub: To suggest that we can still be friends (emotionally) as we are now, would also be cheating in God's eyes for many Christians. He doesn't see that as an issue, but I bet if you ask his wife, she would. And the salt on my wound is that if I agree to staying connected as "friends," I may never get over this man. He still has me emotionally, we still have each other emotionally and we run the risk that we'll be physically intimate again very soon because we will long for each other even more. And if I think about not only salt to my wound, but add a long daggar further into it by agreeing to be friends, I could be stuck for another 8 years. It may seem incredible to many to imagine how I would even think of staying that long, much less for another 8 years, but it's amazing how time flies when you're not paying attention to it.

So when he called me this morning, I forced the conversation, really wanting some sort of feedback on what he's thinking. (He was just going to call and avoid the conversation.) I decided that he'd had enough space ... What I got was the same old pattern: "I think it's best if we can just be friends. I don't want to hurt you and it's not fair to ask you to wait...."

Hence, my river of tears. It hurts. I'm disappointed. I'm afraid. I'm sad. I feel used. I feel frustrated. I feel disrespected. After eight years and all these promises, all you can give me is "let's be friends?"

So I know what I'm going through is normal for someone in my situation. And I guess by now you can read into my anger and sarcasm a bit. Yes, I love this man. Now I have to decide what I want. By the time I'm done, I'll probably have an ocean of tears.

Letting Go of My Married Man

This weekend I took a risk with a long-term relationship I’ve been in. While I love this man very much, there are things about the relationship that are currently not working for me. They are things that I have been compromising on for many years but that don’t really show respect for me as a person. I deserve to be loved in a way that I love. While I have given much love to this man, he has been unable to completely commit to me. I’ve gone along with this situation for almost 8 years. That’s a long time. It almost feels like a marriage, but with a twist: he's married alright--just not to me!

I’ve known in my gut that I needed to express these feelings, let him go and see if he comes back to me. The statistics are not in my favor. Most married men in this situation do not leave their marriages when given ultimatums by their lovers. And when they do, the statistics are not very good either. Almost every psychological study I've seen about married men leaving their wives for the other woman says that the vast majority of them do not work out. Yet, I know of several couples personally where it has worked out for more than 25 years.

Who knows what will happen to us or to me? I know that when I spoke with him that day, I needed to express myself in that moment about how our relationship right now is not working for me. Maybe I needed to let him go so that the Universe will bring me someone who can fully love me for who I am. All I know is that, had I done this even two years ago, I would be a nervous wreck at this point, sobbing over the loss and getting really depressed.

The truth of the matter is that I slept real well Saturday night after I told him. That was a huge shock to me, and validation of how far I've come in my own personal development over these years. Sunday I started to second-guess myself, and a little bit today as well. I do love this man. I loved our relationship, our friendship, our connection--when we were together, that is.

I am just plain tired. Tired of being second on his list; sometimes third or fourth, when it came to family things. Tired of not being able to be out in the world and proclaim our love to all that can see that we are crazy about each other. Yes, we are in love with each other. But there is something still holding him back.

I guess I always knew deep down that it would be me to let him go. And I am proud of myself--that I could think of myself first; that I had the courage and strength to lovingly express how I’m feeling, how I’m tired and how it’s not working for me like this.

Now, if he chooses to do something--get out of that house, for example--I will continue our relationship.

I sit and wait now. I have decided to wait and see what, if anything, he does next. Should he suggest that we get together and talk, I will not be intimate anymore. Should he show up with his suitcases in hand to my house, I will be thrilled!

Most of all, I feel free. Regardless of outcome, I did something for ME that I have needed to do for many years now.

So here I wait--for my married man--or not. But I won’t wait for long. I take it day by day and I need to work on the sadness I feel. While it feels as if I’m in mourning, there are no real tears right now. I sit back and observe that in shock. No tears? But there is a sense of a hollow heart, a bottomless pit in my stomach that is not going away. I love him. I also love myself enough to finally let him go. While I intend for him to take action, I also know that I have no control over those results. So I wait.

Wow, I’m so much stronger than I was just a year ago. Good for me. And I miss him already, but once I decide something big like this, there is no turning back for me. I’m like that: I don’t threaten to leave someone, give ultimatums, etc. and it takes me a long time to reach a major decision, but when I do, I do it quickly and cut the strings with the precision of a sharp knife. I am willing to sew those chords together with him, but only if he brings himself to me, with a concrete, visible results that he is indeed leaving his marriage.

It is unacceptable anymore for me to stay with this man if he cannot make that step. Since I cannot control another person, I had to do what I feel is best for me.

Hopefully he will see the light and take action. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he hasn’t grown as much as me. But then I did him a favor. Maybe it’s time he re-evaluate WHY he has remained with his wife that he professes not to love anymore--maybe there is still a chance for them to be happy. And I certainly cannot stand in their way any longer.

I miss him already and with hopeful anticipation for his next move. Time is on my side, either way.