Being the positive person I usually am, I started off this new year on a good note. I rarely get sad but yesterday my MM came over. We had a wonderful time together until my heart felt this nauseous feeling. My mind was wondering, really, really wondering what happens when he goes home every night.
I'm sure my occasional readers to this very occasional blog will think I'm being naive for even asking myself that question: that he obviously is "having his cake and eating it, too," that I should move on with my life without him, that he must be a dog, that I must be crazy for staying in this thing for so long, etc. etc. etc.
I write that not because I care about what anyone thinks or feels. But I do care about me and my happiness. I am not happy when I have those "heart-felt moments" of doubt. They don't last long but they creep up every so many months or so....sometimes it takes a year before they come along. What is striking about them is that they make me nauseous. Something is not right. I should listen to my gut. It has not failed me in other areas of my life: why is it so difficult to trust my gut with regard to my MM?
So here I sit with a bit of the blues. Not exactly sadness or depression: no tears, no crying at night, no worrying about where he is or what he's doing... but more of a nagging sensation in my gut that this is the life that I've chosen for myself. It's a nagging sensation in my gut that I also know that I have the power to change....Just like that...or not. The choice is mine. So why do I choose to do nothing?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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2 comments:
Choosing to do nothing...is making a choice.
I've never been TOW, but I've known those that are and seem to find themselves choosing to do nothing as well.
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