Lonely Weekends and Outrage

This weekend my MM cannot see me due to what he says are his "church activities." While we saw each other during the week, it's always a quick visit on a weekday. So this weekend I am alone. While I'm ok being alone, I'm having a bit of anger right now. I'm tired. If only I could stay in this feeling long enough to get on with my life....

I decided to look around on the internet and see if I could find his church online. (It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but I haven't gone there in a long while.) I was successful. On it were some new photos of various activities and church-related functions. I just spent time looking at those photos, searching for "clues" about his life away from me. Most of the photos he isn't with his wife, but there are a few...

Seeing these photos is a vivid reminder that I am alone. I am not usually lonely, but today I am sad, angry and frustrated that he is living this life out there without me publicly in it. If only I could hold that thought long enough for me to move on....

I look at these pictures and see this man that I love, living a religious life, surrounded by God-loving people who would probably judge him if they knew about his life with me. Of course, if they are truly God-loving people, they would forgive him, too, but that's not the purpose of this post.

I write here to let you into the psychology of my being: this "other woman" who sits at home on this weekend, watching internet photos of her married man in church activities without her...I feel lonely today. I feel mad at myself for being where I am. I am angry at my MM for taking so darn long. I even wonder about that attractive woman I see in these photos at his church: could he be having an affair with her, too?

Whoa. My mind goes off in a thousand different directions. If he left his wife and married me, would I be able to trust him? I'm not sure I like my answer.

I'm mad because he doesn't have much time for me. While we see each other quite frequently, it's never for as long as I'd like it to be. He always has to get home. That makes me mad. If his wife really, truly knows that he wants out of his marriage, then why is he in such a hurry to leave me? For fear that he'll get caught! I'm outraged! He says that it isn't like that: that I don't understand how it is for him at home; that because I think differently than his wife, I couldn't possibly understand...

Well, I understand alright. I understand that my MM doesn't want to get caught by his wife! I understand that my MM doesn't want his church-family to know that he has a mistress on the side! I understand that my MM doesn't want people to know about us because it might damage his "image" both personally and professionally!

I am outraged! What about me? I am TIRED of understanding. I've "understood" enough already.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm mad it's taking so darn long. I'm mad that I fell for his 'excuses' and 'reasons' in the first place. I'm mad because I trusted him. Trust. Damn. THERE IS NO TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN! I'm mad because I get what he has time for--because I'm last on his list--because he doesn't have time to spend an entire day with me--or take a short weekend off together--because he controls when and where we see each other--and I let him do it! I'm mad because I have total power to let him go--yet I haven't been able to do it.

I'm like leftovers in a Thanksgiving meal and he's my appetizer. I cannot even order "Married Man On-Demand." There is no instant show when I want it: only when he is free. He controls the remote control. I'm like the "drive-through" where he comes for fast food, once a week.

Enough---The fact that I cannot shout out to the world that we are so madly in love is getting on my nerves. If this love is so grand, then why should I be silent?

I'm tired and angry. There are no more excuses. Why should I excuse this behavior? I am worthy of being loved, fully and deeply by a man who only has eyes for me. My time has come. Watch me.