It has been 3 months since I lasted posted here. I can't believe it's been that long. I went back and saw that several people had commented on my posts so I now approved them all for posting--sorry for the delay! (I think I'll just change my settings so that I don't have to approve them in the future.)
Funny thing: 3 months go by but they are nothing in terms of the time I've been with my MM. I read others' comments about "wasting my time," and how I have low self-esteem issues: that the reason people stay in these situations is because of their low self-worth. That may be. I don't consider myself to be less than others; I know that I am good enough; that I deserve love; that I am worthy....I know all of this intellectually. Perhaps it's my heart and soul that don't believe it?
I do know that I have total control and can just decide to go. Yet I am here. I know that I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not afraid of being alone, so it's not that. I don't feel that I have to have a man on my arm to be worthy.
I've wondered if it's just easier for me to continue with this relationship because I don't have to be 100% "on" with my MM as he isn't here with me all the time. Perhaps I'm afraid of what a real relationship would be like: one where I'm adored, respected and honored and where I'd do the same to him; a relationship where I am free to be me; one where I'd be expected to give of myself wholly and he to me; one where I am truly intimately involved in the day-to-day "stuff" that comes with being in a real relationship. Am I afraid of true intimacy? Maybe it's that.
The past few months have been busy for me and I've found myself getting mad at my MM more often than usual. It's an anger that boils like the bubbles coming to the surface of the teapot, right before it whistles...an anger that is suppressed, but as the time goes by, it grows in momentum--until it explodes when my MM does or says something that is a reminder that he is indeed a MM; that I am not his #1 priority.
I got angry when he
- constantly checked his watch as we were enjoying a long dinner
- responded in a very usual, normal way that he had gone to a movie with "his family," (which meant that his wife went with them)
- purposefully refrained from putting his arm around me in photos on separate professional situations in which we were involved (yet he very quickly puts it around others involved-as he is a 'touchy' guy)
- defended his "non-touching" for those photos as "it's business"
- questions who I've told about us
- gets upset because I've told people about us!
I'm going on an extended trip away in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month so it will give me some time away from my MM. I think it will be good for me. I'm going to use this time to take a break from all this madness: literally.
